Closets
I've been meaning to write this for a long time. It's the reason my journal exists in the first place. You see, I've been in the closet. Reading through my journal, that might be a little hard to believe, but it's true.

I've admitted to being bisexual (and preferring women). I've admitted to being polyamorous. I've admitted to a less than stellar childhood, and I've probably even admitted to having a few issues around co-dependence and abandonment. The thing I haven't talked about in my journal is that I am a transsexual. Or was. I'm not really clear on that. I mean, I've had surgery and all, and have been living a gender-harmonious life for a few years now. I don't have any gender issues left, so am I?

Well, I may not have issues with my gender, but it's been my experience that a lot of other people do. I knew this wouldn't be easy, and it hasn't been. In my day to day life, it's not much of an issue though. I am a woman, I look like any other woman, and there's nothing about me that gives folks pause -- I mean, other than being six feet tall. ("Mommy, look at that tall lady!" "Did you play basketball in college?")

But when it comes to my personal life, things are a bit different. A lot of transsexuals lose their family or jobs in coming out. I was blessed, and managed to avoid all that. I even managed to keep most of my friends, not that there were many to begin with. But when it comes to more intimate interactions, all bets are off.

I'm not sure what it is about men, but I'd swear they see a transsexual as an affront to their masculinity -- especially if they've had amorous thoughts. People like me are assaulted a lot more frequently as a result. I just short circuit the whole thing by admitting my "gender history" at the first opportunity. Sometimes men are polite and say "thank you for being honest" before they run off. Sometimes they're not polite at all. But generally, the ones I have to worry about are the ones who don't run off -- most of them seem to have some sort of weird kink around transsexuals. Generally they disappear when they realize I'm pretty much just like any other girl. Nothing special.

Women are generally worse. I've been on the edge of the women's community in San Francisco for years. I've had several women get "warned" about me, and at least one was pressured into breaking things off by her friends. I pretty much gave up on the whole "community" thing. It just wasn't working. I guess it's not surprising that people who identify as bisexual seem to have the fewest problems with me. Gender must be less of an issue for them.

All this sounds like I'm lonely and complaining. I'm not lonely, I have two wonderful girlfriends and I occasionally see an old male friend as well (I was one of his groomsmen years ago). I am complaining though. It's not pleasant to be insulted, and even assaulted for being who you are. The further I get from the west coast, the more I have to worry for my safety (though I understand there are areas that are pretty accepting on the east coast too). Fortunately, the further I get from home, the less likely it is that anyone will figure out that I'm different.

Sometimes I think about moving a long way from here where no one knows me, and the only reason they even know the word "transsexual" is the Jerry Springer show. Move and just not say anything about it. Lead a quiet life, and just hope this all goes away.

But I can't. I'm too honest. I also have a bit of an ego. I have made a success of my life in spite of it all, and I think people need a good example. When they think of transsexuals, I'd prefer they think of someone like me -- a (nearly) middle aged suburban home owner, and not a dolled up "she-male" working in the sex trade.

I'm not going away; is acceptance too much to ask?