Rules of engagement

I've now been in a relationship with one of my lovers for two years, and the other for a bit more than one year. During that time there have been a lot of rocky moments, tearful discussions and realizations. We've all talked a lot about what sort of relationship we have, but it's becoming apparent that even though we've talked about it, we've each come to slightly different conclusions. In an effort to prevent further misunderstandings, I'm going to try to write down my understanding of what we've either agreed upon or I feel is reasonable . I expect their views on this will be different than mine, but perhaps we can eventually come to a single agreement on things.

The three of us are in an open polyamorous primary relationship. This seems to call for defining some terms:

• Open

  This relationship is not exclusive. We can, and do, have relationships (and I'm not talking about just sex) with other people.

• Polyamorous

  There are more than two people in this relationship.

• Primary

  Personally I'm beginning to find what I call "hierarchical polyamory" (no, I'm not going to define it) objectionable, but given our current situation and the people in it, this seems to be the best model for our situation.

  This is the most important relationship in each of our lives and, as a result, puts limits on all other relationships that we might find ourselves in.

I'd like to think that we can all agree on these things. Most of the rest of what we need to lay out is what limits and responsibilities the "primariness" of this relationship involves:

• Sex and Intimacy

  This is not a safe sex document. Suffice to say here that sex does occur inside and outside of our primary relationship. The bigger issue here is physical intimacy. I know we each have different definitions of sex and intimacy, so I'm just going to list things that I think belong here:

  • Kissing in a passionate fashion. (no, I don't want to define passionate)
  • Most forms of non-public nudity
  • Sleeping in the same bed
  • Erotic touch
  • Phone sex
  • Erotic email
  • BDSM
  • Anything else leading towards sexual arousal/pleasure

  The important thing here is as much the spirit as the letter. If we start to get legalistic about this ("but that wasn't on the list"), then we've all lost.

  None of this stuff should occur without prior notice and discussion. This could be as simple as a phone call saying "I would like to X with Y tonight, are you okay with that?" It'd be nice if there was a bit more time to think and talk about it though.

  Personally I prefer that sex occur within the context of a healthy relationship. I make some exceptions for parties, but there are a lot of times when I think sex, at the very least, adds to the confusion.

  I'll freely admit that I think casual sex, or sex with friends that you see just occasionally is a bit strange and I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm willing to discuss this.

• Secondaries

  Secondary relationships are relationships that, by definition, take a back seat to the primary relationship. No secondary relationship should be started without a great deal of discussion.

• Scheduling

  I'll admit that we haven't done a bang up job of this in the past. Primary partners should know what is happening in each other's lives, and should also have something resembling "right of first refusal" on vacant nights. This doesn't mean that we should all be busy all the time. I, for one, like a vacant night now and again.

  Regardless, secondaries and potential secondaries shouldn't slip into the schedule without discussion. It's not that secondaries should just get the leftovers, but there should be some agreement on how much time they do get.

• Other Primaries

  I don't believe that any of us can have other primary relationships without devaluing the relationship that we have. If we come to a point where we have other relationships that are as important as this one, I think we actually need to address whether this is really the primary relationship.

• The Veto

  I think the veto exists, but there's a difference between a veto and saying "I'm uncomfortable with X". I also think that falling to use a veto when you believe one is necessary is a mistake, and that if we ever come to a situation where a veto is more than a rare occurrence, that there is something basic going wrong with the relationship and that it should be discussed.

A lot of what this boils down to is the three most important rules of polyamory (Communicate, Communicate, Communicate) and that these rules should be obeyed before things happen rather than afterwards.